Here are the “rules“.
And if you’d like to see the full June 2011 Marvel solicits head over to CBR.
That’s right, back by popular demand, it’s the return of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!
There’s a lot of these this month…so I’m guessing it’s going to take more than Veuve to get through them…I’ll update you as we go!
Alpha Flight 1. Hey, Alpha Flight! Sweet! I’m a fan of the whole wanted/dead/whatever posters when done well, these are done pretty well, though “wanted” is less impressive than “dead” or “captured” etc.
Annihilators 4. Tell, me, what is not completely awesome about this? SERIOUSLY. WHAT? I DARE YOU. I LOVE IT.
Astonishing X-Men 39. Despite not being a big fan of the purple/red color combo, this is pretty fantastic. The weird silhouette figure with the face shapes all over him? Very cool. And it’s smartly designed overall. Yeah, I’m a fan.
Avengers Academy 14. Nothing to really rave about I guess, but some nice solid superhero work that has some ladies present and isn’t offensive should be acknowledged…so…ACKNOWLEDGED.
Avengers: The Children’s Crusade 6. There’s not much I like about this cover even though I like Cheung’s art because it’s just way too fucking busy. But I will call it out as a good example of a well done floating head. Both because it feels relevant to the story (i.e. how relevant Wanda is and how large she looms) and also because of the way he dealt with the one eye…very effective.
All that said, I’m pretty sure the final issue of this will come out when I’m approximately 200 years old.
Black Panther: The Man Without Fear 519. I mean…is that supposed to be Storm in the background? If so…I guess all I can say is that I didn’t think it was possible for her to have more stupid ridiculous impractical costumes than she’s already had…and that I’m getting used to being wrong in my life. Blech!
Captain America 619. This is kinda beautiful. I love the painterly-ness of it, and the warmth and excellent rendering work. I wish they’d been just A LITTLE more subtle with the whole American flag aspects, but otherwise, pretty gorgeous.
Captain America: America’s Avenger 1. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Floating heads! I hate you pointless horrible floating heads!!!!!
Captain America: First Vengeance 3. Well, I don’t hate it…which is more than I can say for this bullshit:
And really…let’s compare and contrast those images for a moment…really consider them. Seriously DC…SERIOUSLY!?
Captain America: Rebirth 1. Apparently when Captain America is “rebirthed” he was crossed with an itty bitty piglet. WHAT IS UP WITH HIS FACE HERE?
Also…SO SICK OF CAPTAIN AMERICA AT THIS POINT. YAWN!
Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: The Battle of Tull 1. Nice. Nice perspective and composition, nice use of darks and lights and color. I mostly just like the birdies though.
Emma 4. This is pretty cool. Although…and this may just be the drink talking…her eyes are freaking me the fuck out.
Fear Itself: The Deep 1. See, this is the problem with “magic characters”…I just don’t believe for one second that Dr. Strange could drown…that he could ever be out of breath. Which causes this image to lose all its impact.
Fear Itself: Fearsome Foursome 1. There are a lot of fucking problems with this cover, but my biggest one is that it looks like someone took She-Hulk’s head off her neck and then put it back on…but really wrong.
Fear Itself: Spider-Man 2. This is nice and well-rendered and powerful in its way, but it’s just a little slick and dead and antiseptic feeling to me. You say Tomato, I say Tomahto I suppose…
Fear Itself: The Home Front 3. Again, technically proficient, even masterful, but just too slick and stiff and dead for my personal tastes.
Fear Itself: Youth In Revolt 2. I have no idea what’s going on here, but I’m intrigued, which really is half the battle of a comic book cover…or maybe more than half…
Fear Itself: Black Widow 1. Ayayayai! I don’t have to say it do I?
Oh hell, I’ll say it anyway…
GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGZIPPERS! Bane of my fucking existence!!!!
Fear Itself: Deadpool 1. This is infectious in its awesomeness. Seriously, tell me you can look at this and not go “HAMMERTIME!” in your head. You can’t, can you? Yeah, me either. Fun stuff.
FF 5. There is nothing…LITERALLY nothing, I don’t love about this.
Formic Wars: Burning Earth 6. Um…is it just me or do a couple of those Formics (the red dudes) have man cock on their minds? Just unfortunate placement? I think not. They crave the man cock!!!!
Herc 4. So what you’re telling me Marvel, with this cover, is that you didn’t listen to my sound advice about that horrible shoulder thing that would totally get Herc killed immediately because he wouldn’t be able to TURN HIS FUCKING HEAD IN BATTLE.
‘
Hulk Sized Mini-Hulk 1. Awww. Adorable. The color-coded ice-cream cone is a nice touch.
Incredible Hulks 630. This is a fucking disaster area. Also, does someone want to notify queen of disasters that her orange-ish skin totes clashes with her red sweat pants stripe?
Invincible Iron Man 505. So there were a lot of covers this month that seemed like they were trying to hid this guy from us…but here he is.
It’s possible I’m imagining things…I AM drunk you know. Take this one with a grain of salt. Not the others though. I’m DEAD serious about those.
Also, drink update: I have moved on from Veuve to beer…which is usually a mistake…we shall see!
Iron Man 2.0 6. Um, I have no idea what’s happening here. It makes me grouchy.
Journey Into Mystery 624. Stephanie Hans continues to be AWESOME!
Mighty Thor 3. I’ve made this joke before, but until they change things around a bit I’m going to just keep going there.
“This gives new meaning to the word ‘headlights’” Ridiculous.
Moon Knight 2. Honestly? Pretty fucking badass. And I don’t even give a crap about Moon Knight.
Namor The First Mutant 11. I like this. And I don’t have to explain myself.
New Avengers 13. See, when I am mourning over the possible death of a friend, I DEFINITELY like to arch my back as hard as possible so that my sweet ass sticks out and so that my breasts (which are larger than my head) push out as far as they can go as well. It’s the most important thing to be thinking about at this time.
Also, fuck you Deodato for ruining one of my favorite new books. I’m off to cry now. 
Ozma of Oz 7. LOOK AT THE EXPRESSION ON THAT CHICKEN’S FACE!?!?!?!?! Genius.
Punisher Max 14. See, when you’re Dave Johnson, even your kinda phoned in shit looks pretty fucking great.
Ruse 4. I don’t love her expression, or the fact that he seems like he’s missing an arm…but otherwise I like this. It sure beats that one of Death fucking his own scythe in the background.
Secret Avengers 14. Man I love Valkyrie. And HEY! I guess I can try this book out now, now that Deodato has left it to ruin my New Avengers.
Hmm. Here we come Secret Avengers…maybe with THIS. VERY. ISSUE.
Sigil 4. So, this is not a bad image…and maybe my drunkeness is attaching to my feminism in deadly ways…but the opening words of this solicit kinda bothered me. “In the virgin forests of California…” Now…would we be using “virgin forests” if we were talking about a highschool student DUDE? Rather than a super cute high school student CHICK? Hmm!
Silver Surfer 5. So this cover is a complete disaster area, but because I’m about four, I thought I should point out that an unfortunate line makes it look like our lady up there is farting or pooping that blue energy. Ewww. Yes, I already admitted I was four. Let’s move on.
Skaar King of the Savage Land 4. It’s shit like this that honestly makes me hate comics.
Spider-Girl 8. This is very pretty, but again, kind of flat and emotionless and dead…it’s just not for me I guess.
Spider-Man: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility 3. So, I don’t have to say it right. I mean, it’s totally obvious…the crazy phallic shape that is you know COMING OUT OF SPIDERMAN’S CROTCH! And please artists…if you’re going to make a crazy phallic shape that looks like it’s shooting at us…can you please at least not make it look like a scary sharp weapon. Think of all the times when your dick shrinks up into your body because you hear something horrible about penises…or balls…that’s kind of how looking at this feels.
Supreme Power 1. So…there was like, nothing I liked more than the original Supreme Power before it went to shit…something tells me I’m not catching magic in a bottle twice on this one.
The Hulk 35. Well fuck, that can’t be good.
The Iron Age 1. The um…eye level is um…a bit off here.
Imagined dialogue for this cover:
IRON MAN: “Kneel before my awesome cock! Be at eye-level with it and all will be well!”
Thunderbolts 159. This is a perfect example of why I don’t like floating heads…see how silly that looks in the neck/jaw/chin line? FUCKING HORRIBLE. Also, let’s just address the fact that it seems like we’ve looked at fake breasts so long as a society that this is just considered the “standard” way to draw them. I hate it. It’s so false.
ETA: There’s some discussion in the comments of this month’s DC solicits about push-up bras/fake breasts…and my argument (as a woman that possesses large breasts and frequently – as in daily – wears a push up bra) is that there is a big difference between the look of the two things (i.e. real breasts that are pushed up via a bra and fake breasts) primarily in that when real breasts are pushed up there is no line created at the top where the breast meets the chest where it looks like I have watermelons stuffed under my skin (see Moonstone above or any other number of comics ladies)…and that is one of the elements that I frequently see in comics that makes me think we’re getting to a place where this is just assumed to be a natural reality. It’s not.
Ultimate Comics Avengers v New Ultimates 5. I mean really? Are you fucking kidding me? Rigoddamndiculous. I hope this is supposed to be a joke. If not…REALLY HORRIBLE.
Ultimate Comics Spider-Man 159. Not gonna lie. I’m sorta into this. A lot. I don’t know if this is the final…with all that line work and no colors on much of it, but I dig it. Hard.
Uncanny X-Force 11. Wow! Age of Apocalypse characters! If I wasn’t already in, I’d totally be in.
Uncanny X-Men 538. I wouldn’t call this Dodson’s best cover, but it’s A) a damn sight better than a Land cover and B) I’m excited that Dodson actually paid attention to random seeming things like “breast size” which is frequently a blind spot for him in his otherwise frequently lovely work.
Wolverine: The Best There Is 7. Wow…this is pretty fucking effective. And gross, I have to look away. Moving on.
X-23 11. Wow. Just absolutely nothing appeals to me about this trainwreck. Laura has gone from almost sorta looking like a teenager early on and sporting some better more reasonable clothes, back to the shitty totally unoriginal tank top costume. I also hate the “blade feet” or whatever they are with the head of a thousand suns. And her boobs here are just…I mean…WHAT THE FUCK. And I’m not even going to touch the whole Jubilee thing. I’m done with this damn book, and I’m super grouchy I had to trade it for the really good Black Widow series Liu was writing. <POUT>
BAH! What a terrible end!
Final drink count: 1 bottle of Veuve, 2 beers. Now I’m going to go eat ice-cream! XD
18 comments
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March 27, 2011 at 11:37 am
Greg Burgas
The best things about drunk cover solicits:
1. Your increasingly funny potty mouth and the use of the word “cock.” I mentioned on the blog once that “cock” just sounds so much filthier than “dick,” so it cracks me up whenever you use it.
2. Your typographical errors. You hate the blade feet with the “head of a thousand suns.” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds pretty intense!
March 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm
optionalplayer
Fear Itself: Fearsome Foursome 1 – Another problem: Apparently when She-Hulk walks, the floors break because she’s. . . stomping?
Fear Itself: Spider-Man 2 – It seems like every Spider-Man cover this year has him laying dead in a ditch somewhere.
Incredible Hulks 630 – I think Hulk’s left thumb is broken too.
March 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm
litbandit
Wow…I think Marvel should just consider giving all of their covers to Dave Johnson and Skottie Young. It would make life so much easier and prettier.
What’s up with those giant “signature boxes” on the covers? Like in that Red She Hulk one and the silver surfer…have the artists of Image finally come home?
Since the only marvel comic i read is Daredevil, i might be out of the loop, but the Fearsome Foursome- I’m counting five people on the cover…whats up with that?
March 27, 2011 at 1:10 pm
Brendan T
Good god. Sometimes I forget how much nicer the interior art of Black Panther is than the exterior. And this means we’ll get Francavella drawing Storm, which is awesome.
Continuing to love the drunken cover solicits. And yeah, the vulgarity adds chuckles of immaturity for me. I won’t lie.
March 27, 2011 at 1:15 pm
Brendan T
And PS:
Regarding the New Avengers cover, if you want another recent example of a ‘sweet ass’ shot ruining a somber moment, check the last page of the Generation Lost issue that saw Beetle get shot. All I could see was Ice’s booty. It was awful and moodkilling and just blech.
March 27, 2011 at 1:24 pm
uthor
OBVIOUSLY, Storm’s costume contains extra padding so she doesn’t injure her crotch.
Also, I don’t think Dr. Strange is “magic” anymore.
March 27, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Blank
It’s funny how the further down you go the comments start getting shorter and more dirty
-I haven’t actually read any interiors that Skottie Young has drawn but his covers are so awesome. Maybe I should pick up that Oz book in trade.
-Mini Hulks: I miss Chris G’s mini marvels so much
-That Moon Knight cover is so cool and eye catching. It looks like he’s carved out of stone.
-Olivetti’s art is very pretty and slick but he tends to draw all his men super wide with GIANT muscles and it just doesn’t seem to fit a swimmer like Namor.
-Well to give the New Avengers credit for something, I appreciate the blood splatter being implied in the shadows. Also if you took off Mockingbird’s goggles she would look just like Ms. Marvel…
-Iron Spider-man: Wow I’ve seen that picture tons of times and somehow never noticed the crotch spike. I can never look at it the same way again.
March 27, 2011 at 2:50 pm
ross
THERE’S A BLUE HULK?!?!
what IS up with Storm’s costume… it looks sort of like the one she had in Astonishing when Ellis was writing it, i think drawn by Simone Bianchi, and it was terrible, but this one is just confusing. like is she wearing pants with stripey kneepads, or…? it looks like skin tone so maybe it’s fabric that’s the same color as her skin? i don’t know.
if i was writing X-23, your mind would be changed and you would be liking the foot claws by issue #4 at the latest. nobody has better ideas for foot claws than me.
March 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm
uthor
@ross: Blue Hulk is a purely Mini Marvels character.
March 27, 2011 at 4:20 pm
Hutch
Outside of the codpiece (which yes, is quite ridiculous), I kind of like that outfit Storm is sporting on the cover to Black Panter: Man Without Fear.
That Fear Itself: Deadpool cover is so stupidly ridiculous that it made me laugh. But not in the good way.
I’ve never really taken Vermin seriously in terms of a villain who should give Spider-Man an actual challenge, so the Fear Itself: Spider-Man cover is blah to me.
Moon Knight isn’t anywhere near Ulton’s league, so that Moon Knight cover is kind of stupid (unless he happened to come along after the Avengers had beaten and dismantled Ultron and he grabbed the head for a souvenir).
Now why you gotta get on the Thing for his posture in the New Avengers 11 cover. I mean, yeah his breasts are larger than his head and he is puffing his chest out, but that is no reason to be all negative.
Wait. What exactly is wrong with that Skaar King of the Savage Land cover? Is it just the combination of elements — dude with a sword on a flying dinosaur facing off against a guy in a bi-plane with a machine gun?
That Ultimate Comics Spider-Man cover is all kinds of cool.
Geez. Who stuffed the cantaloupes under X-23′s shirt on her cover? That is just all kinds of awful.
March 27, 2011 at 5:43 pm
herring
“X-23 11. Wow. Just absolutely nothing appeals to me about this trainwreck. ”
They can’t even objectify the girls competently. I mean points for the retard boobs and midriff bearing shirt, but then they go and put her leg in the way so we can’t even see the midriff. And the leg isn’t even on the right angle to give a decent crotch shot. And what’s with that weird quasi-constipated facial expression? They really should have asked Land to give this artists a few pointers on realistic facials, or alternatively told them trace an old hussler mag (which strangely enough provides exactly the same results).
And your right, jubilee is even worse! She looks all zombie and shit. Female vampires must look seductive! She’s even wearing her zip fully done up! What incompetence.
…In all seriousness does anyone know if the interior art is going to be done in the same style as the cover? I like wolverine and jubilee, and really enjoyed how Marjorie Liu wrote Jubilee in “girl comics”; but am not sure if even I’d be prepared to fork out $$ for twenty-something pages of this.
March 27, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Maverickman874
Don’t see an issue with Laura’s foot claws. She doesn’t have them out always and they are effective for her style of combat. Just look at MvsC3.
March 28, 2011 at 11:43 am
1979semifinalist
@Greg: Dontchaknow Greg? “Head of a thousand suns” is the hot new saying. All the kids are saying it. Glad you got a kick out of the solicits this week…I must confess they’re a lot more fun when I get to cut loose with “drunken-ness” as an excuse.
@Optional Player: You’re right about the Spider-Man thing…so weird.
@Litbandit: It’s true that covers WOULD all look better and awesome if done by Johnson and Young (I’d also add in there Nguyen, Williams III, Conner, Jock, Jean, and a handful of other regularly great cover artists)…but we’d probably get bored if we did that…also, Drunk Cover Solicits would be pointless.
@Brendan T: I did notice that in JLGL. So frustrating.
@Uthor: Crotch injuries…they run rampant for female superheroes!
@Blank: You’re welcome for bringing “crotch spikes” to your attention. I’m hear to do the tough work.
@ross: The kneepads honestly freak me out the most of the whole Storm costume…they look like they’re sewn to her knees.
As for X-23, I KNOW I would be reading it with INSANE PLEASURE if you were doing it…even though I haven’t loved the stories thus far.
@Hutch: You’re right, I shouldn’t be so hard on the Thing…I take it all back.
My problem with Skaar is exactly everything you listed…plus the idea that from the height a bi-plane you can see the globe in globe shape…I’ve been in planes that I assume go much higher than a bi-plane…never seen the edge of the world yet. Or maybe there’s something I’m not getting there. Regardless of that though, it’s just a mess.
@herring: re:in all seriousness…the interior art for X-23 on that issue is supposed to be Sana Takeda, not the cover artist here. To each his own and maybe you like her work, but I usually have a huge problem with Takeda’s work. So this is officially off my pull list for a variety of reasons.
@Maverickman874. I don’t know man…when I had my foot claws they were such a hassle…every time I had a bad dream they cut up all my nice sheets and expensive feather duvets. So troublesome!
March 30, 2011 at 12:04 am
caleb
I think Marvel missed a great opportunity to have Hercules being all tentacle-groped on the cover of that Herc book where he’s fighting a tentacle monster…that would really have gone a long way to show that they’re equal opportunity when it comes to super-characters of both genders being bad-touched by tentacles right on the covers of their books…
March 30, 2011 at 12:09 am
Uthor
@caleb – Now I want to see that.
April 2, 2011 at 1:14 pm
1979semifinalist
@Caleb: Agreed! If we’re not going to spare everyone from gross tentacle implications, then they should at least try to even out the playing field gender-wise!
April 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Brendan T
Herc even wears a skirt. It’d be perfect.
April 2, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Brendan T
Nevermind. They gave him lame ol’ pants.