Here are the “rules“.

And if you’d like to see the full October 2011 DC solicits head over to CBR and hunt them down, as I had to, as they came released in 5 annoying separate pieces.  I hope this isn’t a new “thing” DC is doing.  ETA: Or you can wait a week and they’ll pool them all together for you!  So this has three or four Supes & Family covers that weren’t previously released, but I’m not going to get drunk for just that, so you’ll have to think up your own snarky things to say.  If Marvel releases theirs anytime soon I’ll toss these on the fire and do them all at the same time and update this post, but if not…well, we’ll just always have to wonder what I would have said about them.  DUM DUM DUUUUUUMMMMM!

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

So I’m only doing DC Solicits this weekend (what has been released – and the “Superman stuff” is still missing) so it’s slightly incomplete and Marvel’s are nowhere to be seen.  I’ll try to add Marvel’s if they show up, but as I recall last year, they showed so late after SDCC that there was too much going on and I didn’t get to them.  We’ll see my lambs…we’ll see!

I’m kind of dreading this…at least I have delicious drinks to ease my pain!  Let’s do this shit!

ALL-STAR WESTERN 2.  Is it me or does this not look remotely western?  Except for the old-timey lamp I see nothing “western-y” here to speak of.  #RIPPEDOFF.

ANIMAL MAN 2.  This horrifies and also kinda impresses.  The commitment to the white space is impressive.  That said…what the fuck is that thing?!…NIGHTMARES.  I have to stop doing this shit so late at night.

AQUAMAN 2.  Again, kinda horrifying.  Not just cause the “monster” is scary, but also because look at the way the teeth are set in the gums… like I said, kinda horrifying.  Also…the inside of it’s mouth looks like an abyss.  Like the infinite of FUCKING SPACE lives in its mouth.  Yikers.

BATGIRL 2.  Okay, let’s be serious for like two seconds.  I haven’t had enough to drink yet that that’s an unreasonable request.  So this is without a doubt beautiful, it is.  I mean who among us doubts Adam Hughes is an uber talented comics drawing badass?  None of us.  But there are some frustrating things here. Yes, I think she looks too young considering all the back and forth over her age…if she indeed is NOT being de-aged then this Barbara is just WAY too young looking.  If she is being de-aged then this is probably appropriate (though fucking sad).  More importantly, I don’t love her kind of cowering here.  Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times when a superhero, male or female might do this very thing…but it just sends a frustrating message.  In context this cover is hugely problematic because I don’t see a single other cover with a hero cowering behind something this month…there’s a lot of fighting, some of it terribly violent, and one guy is even being infinitely devoured by his own mouth, sure…but nobody else is cowering.  And this is for one of the few female led books.  Again I say to you DC, CONTEXT. YOU DON’T HAS IT.

BATMAN & ROBIN 2.  Booooring.  How do you make Batman & Robin in a Batmobile on fucking fire look boring?  I guess this is how.  YAWN.  Also, no way does Damian ever make that expression.  Not my Damian, grouchy pants to the moon and back, but this? No fucking way.

BATMAN 2.  I don’t have as much experience with Capullo as a lot of people who have been frustrated by the fact that he’s the penciller for the new Batman book.  My experience is mostly some X-titles work he did in the 90’s.  I don’t remember much of it quite honestly, which isn’t good, but could be worse.  I think this image itself is pretty good and Bruce has some fun square-jawed hero-y handsomeness going on.  That said, if I could keep the Scott Snyder/Francavilla and Scott Snyder/Jock combos instead I’d sell my non-existent first born, so there’s that.

BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT 2.  Yeah, are we taking bets about whether there will even BE an issue number 2?  I hope nobody is holding their breath.  I wasn’t buying it anyway though, so what do I care?

BATWING 2.  Not bad. After Judd Winick’s trainwreck of a discussion of this book though…it would have to be the next fucking coming of christ for me to check it out.  And even that I’d probably just tradewait.  So, yeah, pass.

BATWOMAN 2.  Still beautiful.  It’s been fucking beautiful for last six fucking months.  Please god in heaven, I can’t look at it for one more month.

BIRDS OF PREY 2. I gotta admit. This is pretty hard for me to resist.  I love Jesus Saiz’s work, and this seems pretty goddamn cool.  But resist it I will.  Fuck you comics, I gotta have SOME standards.

BLACKHAWKS 2.  Ah comics, you feisty time machine you.  Is it 1994 again?!  Blargh!

ETA:  Giant jet as penis?  It’s SUPER subtle isn’t it?

BLUE BEETLE 2.  This does absolutely nothing for me.  But I’m buying this book regardless.

CAPTAIN ATOM 2.  I have no idea what is happening here.  Is he being born out of a brain vagina made of light?

CATWOMAN 2.  And it’s shit like this makes me think the entire world is conspiring against me.

We finally get a solo book for Catwoman again. +1 point

Then we get Guillem March art announced and Judd Winick writing announced. Potentially -2 points

The first March cover drops and it is some of the worst most ridiculous dreck ever.  -1 point

The cover comes with a hideous solicit that paints Selina as an addict…addicted to EVERYTHING.  My eyes bleed while reading it.  -5 points

Judd Winick does an interview about the book in which he talks about Selina being SEXY about 98 times.  -10 points

A second March cover drops (see above!) and it’s even WORSE than the first cover, because now Selina looks like a swooning fucking idiot damsel in distress. The kind of damsel that can’t even hold onto her own goddamn whip while being wooed by a dude to a point that her back is breaking.  A fucking travesty. -50 points

So what is that…negative a thousand?  Certainly fucking feels like it.

DC UNIVERSE PRESENTS 2.  This is unbelievably awesome. I mean…Deadman is like either digesting himself or upchucking himself infinite times?  Go comics!

DEATHSTROKE 2.  The art on this is actually pretty cool.  But I think this may be one of the times that having ovaries keeps me from “getting it”…or something.

DEMON KNIGHTS 2.  Did you know that dude in the middle’s superpower is to absorb arrows into the back of his head?  Seriously…where is the rest of that woman’s arrow?!

DETECTIVE COMICS 2.  Already I’m bored.  Also, Bats has a very trim waist.  It’s very swimmers build of him.

FRANKENSTEIN AGENT OF S.H.A.D.E. 2.  This is pretty fun looking and a great concept with solid execution.  The “texture” of Frankenstein’s face is straight up awesome.  That said, why does the four arm chick have three guns and one hand just laying around on her hip.  That one arm got ripped off.  MOAR GUNS!

ETA: As commenter Hutch pointed out, you’d likely need two hands to manipulate that one big gun…so the number of guns here is probably right on.  Still, funnier to say “needs moar guns!”

GREEN ARROW 2.  WTF is up with those arrows?! Why does every fucking archery cover look like complete shite.  Is it really that hard to draw this shit?  Also, his goggles make him look like a bug.

GREEN LANTERN CORPS 2.  It’s crazy shit like this that keeps me from getting into Green Lantern I think.  There’s just too much shit going on…and except for the see through skeleton dude none of it seems that compelling.

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS 2. I’ve finally found an upside to the whole INSANELY RIDICULOUSLY LOWCUT ABSURDLY SEXY FOR NO APPARENT REASON thing (which applies mightily to Star Sapphire)…and that upside is that when you see a completely ridiculous version of the costume (as above) you shrug your shoulders and go “eh. could be worse.”

Ah comics, good job on lowering the bar so fucking low that this cover actually looks reasonable.  Congratulations!

GRIFTER 2.  Eh. Still no Zealot. Still no sale.

HAWK & DOVE 2.  SIGH. Do I even have to?  Okay, fine.

Not a single foot seen in this cover. -1 point (though maybe we should count ourselves lucky?)

Chick boobs that continue to reinforce the idea that Liefeld has never seen a woman naked or otherwise.  -1 point.

A dude’s head smaller than a single one of his pecs. -1 point.

A complete lack of background, suggesting that these characters live, perhaps, in a stick of melting butter. -1 point.

A signature tag larger than most the characters’ heads. -1 point.

Anatomy that does not in any way resemble our earth anatomy (look at Hawk’s “back”…OMG). -1 point.

Movement that resembles no physics known to man (why do the “accoutrements of the costumes move that waaaaayyyy?!). -1 point.

-7 points.

ALSO, NEGATIVE A THOUSAND EXTRA POINTS…JUST BECAUSE I CAN.

iVAMPIRE 2.  This is very pretty.  That is all.

JLA 2.  Boo.  No Wonder Woman.  Just the “two big dogs” tussling. I’m already bored.

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 2.  Though Zatanna’s costume looks like she got it at Hot Topic, I’m otherwise pretty interested in this.  We’ll see!

LEGION LOST 2.  What the fucking hell is going on here?  This is a fucking mess.

MEN OF WAR 2.  I’m conflicted.  On the one hand, this is actually a beautiful and compelling cover.  On the other, it’s annoying to see a bunch of dudes (some of them red skull dead dudes, but whatever) in full military dress and then a woman, basically naked.  If the rest of the DC line for October was less offensive (there’s that ugly idea of CONTEXT again) I’d feel a bit better about this.  Very pretty though.

MISTER TERRIFIC 2.  I really like this cover, but it concerns me that it’s SO similar to issue #1.  Are we already out of ideas for Mister Terrific?

NIGHTWING 2.  Dick is really going out of his way to show us his…well, dick.  Yeah, I went there.  It’s nice Dick, it is.  Very impressive.  Um, good job?

Also, the whole Dick/Nightwing with a red color scheme is still freaking me out.  Me hates.

O.M.A.C. 2  The hair.  Gods, that is just character design fail.  When will it end?!

RED HOOD & THE OUTLAWS 2.  So many people better than me have talked about this cover and how fucking stupid it is.  I’m not even going to bother.  I think we all know what the problem is here.  Although, Jason’s package has emerged as a pretty fun problem in and of itself as well.  Go comics! You so mature!

RED LANTERNS 2.  I’m sorry, but this is just terribly phoned in.  The crap background?  The word “RAGE” just thrown back there?  A not great black and white drawing of part of a person?  It’s just bad.

RESURRECTION MAN 2. I know nobody is looking at her face, because why would we with those giant knockers in our faces, but seriously…do you see the look on her face?!  WTF?

STATIC SHOCK 2.  I kinda like this actually.  The colors are nice, as is the really subtle but detailed background.  SS looks fierce too.

STORMWATCH 2.  Well…I like it better than #1?  Is that enough?  I hate these new costumes…especially…is that supposed to be The Midnighter in blue on the left?  Dude would not be caught dead wearing that.  I’m ashamed for him.

SUICIDE SQUAD 2.  Again, this has been torn apart on the internet…and rightly so.  As someone that has big tits and has worn a corset and many strapless things before, can I tell you that Harley’s costume and posing is just unbelievably stupid.  Chalk this up as another dude that has never seen an actual woman before.  Also, as someone with tits let me tell you that Harley either has the weirdest most deformed misplaced nipples of all time, or her “superpower” is “not having nipples”.  Fucking ridiculous.

Sidenote: While the design for King Shark is actually pretty cool…why is he suddenly a Hammerhead shark?  #makesnosense

SWAMP THING 2.  This isn’t bad.  The design work at the bottom is nice.  It’s not nearly the homerun that the first cover was though.  Still buying it.

TEEN TITANS 2.  I ask again, why is this being drawn by Brett Booth while Nicola Scott is unemployed?  Fucking ridiculous.

THE FLASH 2.  I like parts of this quite a bit and it’s kind of ballsy.  There was a but coming, but I changed my mind.  I just like it.  Full stop.

THE FURY OF FIRESTORM 2.  Ugh. I still can’t tell what the fuck is going on with these covers.  I love Gail Simone…but I don’t know if I can follow her here.  I kind of hate everything going on here.  😦

THE SAVAGE HAWKMAN 2.  I guess he’s “savage” yo?

VOODOO 2.  Wow. I mean honestly?  Everything about this fucking sucks.  Everything.  Tip to tail.  Also, since when are dudes WAY into massive shoulders on broads.  Look at Voodoo’s fucking shoulders!?!

WONDER WOMAN 2.  Cliff Chiang, nailing it again, badass that he is.  He actually makes me like the Wonder Woman pants costume quite a bit.  Additionally, artists of the world take note…see how Chiang manages to take a weird shredded “sexy” costume and make it sexy and revealing without being exploitative and overly objectifying?  Yeah.  Please learn that.

As long as Cliff Chiang is doing Wonder Woman I suspect we’ll end on good notes.  That at least is a silver lining!