Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC May Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

So this is the month of owl goodness…or something. I never thought I could be sick of owls. But here we are.  I’m feeling kind of mean tonight…so…yeah, you’ve been warned!

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

ACTION COMICS 9.  I was actually pretty excited by this image initially…cause it totally looks like an inspiring black Superman, right?  But reading the solicit I think this is a villain called SuperDoom.  Boo.  Huge disappointment.  According to commenter Brendan T., this is indeed an alternate reality black Superman…in which case I say SWEET.

ALL-STAR WESTERN 9.  I still like the style of these covers and the colors are wonderful…but the way the owl dudette (dude?) is holding those huge knives is totally suspect.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE 27.  The colors on this are just lovely.  Is this watercolor?  It kind of looks like watercolor…but kind of not.  The almost textures created are nice too.

ANIMAL MAN 9.  Animal Man continues to pile on the disturbing shit.  I mean…they’re on a raft of bones. BONES!  In a river of blood. BLOOD! I like it.

AQUAMAN 9.  I’m not sure I can fully explain why…but this comic cover kind of sums up everything I hate about comics really nicely.

Batgirl 9.  Let’s start with the good…this is the best Barbara/Batgirl has looked on a Syaf cover. Also, the tilted composition is nice and has good energy.

Now for the bad…has that Court of Owls character been crossbred with a spider…because JESUS H. CHRIST.   That anatomy and positioning is just so damn disturbing.

Also, I haven’t been reading Batgirl, so maybe there’s a good reason for it, but it kind of irritates me that the female superhero (Batgirl) has to fight the female Court of Owls character.  boo.

BATMAN & ROBIN 9.  This actually looks pretty good. It’s an interesting angle choice, the composition is nice, and the combination of the tilted frame, the motion, and the posing makes everything seem both frenetic and also frozen in time.  That said, I bet Robin’s going to do pretty well in this fight cause that dude only has one leg.

BATMAN 9.  Wow. Very smart cover by Capullo. Great graphic imagery and use of limited color. The bloody house is really quite brilliant.

BATMAN INC. 1.  I love this cover by Burnam.  The figures have such energy and attitude and they look very Bruce and Damian to me (unlike some other Batman and Robin covers we’ve seen of late).  The use of the red and black and the scope is wonderful and really makes it all pop.

BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT 9.  Man, they’re really trying to sell that whole Red Robin as “magical swan” eh?  Look at his freaking neck!  It’s rigoddamndiculous.

This cover, beyond the crap figure work really has several of my least favorite elements combined here…giant floating head, a bullshitty non-background background, and silly costumes.  WIN!

BATWOMAN 9.  I actually find this quite gorgeous, however…why is this not an Amy Reeder cover?  We know she did a bunch of gorgeous ones…we’ve seen them…why aren’t they being used?  Grrrr.

BIRDS OF PREY 9.  Not my favorite of Saiz’s mostly because I miss Poison Ivy I guess…I just want him drawing her as much as humanly possible.  The composition isn’t great and the huge brown figure in the middle just kind of absorbs everything into him making it all a bit muddy.  That said, it’s Saiz, so the figures are all well rendered and smart.

CAPTAIN ATOM 9.  This is AB-Tastic!

Not really.

Do you think he has so many stomach muscles to make up for the extra heads and arms?

Is it just me or do his ankles looks really delicate and fragile?  What good are extra heads, arms, and stomach muscles if when you set down your ankle instantly shatters with the weight of you?

CATWOMAN 9.

I’m so conflicted.

There’s so much that’s actually right about this…but it still goes wrong.

First the good. The contrasting blue greens with the yellow oranges are wonderful.  The choice of the shot – with the figures up close and the almost graphic nature of the foreground images with the highly detailed architecture in the background is great.  It also has nice flow and energy thanks to the tilted perspective and the composition choices.  Selina also looks really strong, which I like and her face, what little we see of it, looks way less nutso than usual.  Her boots are also awesome and her costume appears to be zipped up.  These are all great things.

The bad.  It’s the anatomy…it’s just far too contorted and extreme…it doesn’t even look possible by comic book standards.  Also, why can we see her hip bone if she’s that muscular and filled out?  Her ass makes no sense at all…

So close.  😦

DEATHSTROKE 9.  Oh god.  See, I don’t want to be mean. I’m so excited about what’s happening with Glory and Prophet…I just want to let it go…so I’m just going to do that…I’m just going to let it go…

whew…

that was hard…

DEMON KNIGHTS 9. So…that guy is cut in half underneath all those robes, right?  Cause that’s the only way that anatomy works…the only way that those legs go with that torso…is if they’re no longer attached.

DETECTIVE COMICS 9.  Bwahahahahahahahaa.

Ahem.

I’m sorry. I just laughed for like two minutes straight.

Are we all seeing what I’m seeing?

A giant bloody floating wrench?

And boy is Batman mad about it.  REAL MAD. SO MAD. THE MADDEST ANYONE HAS EVER BEEN. EVERRRRR.

DOMINIQUE LAVEAU, VOODOO CHILD 3. This Grampa cover is pretty damn cool.  Great colors and movement.  Lots going on, but he still knows how to keep it from getting muddy or confusing.  Your eye knows right where to go. Unlike some other covers…that may or may not be coming up RIGHT NOW…

EARTH TWO 1.  Ah geez. Wonder Woman is back to the revealing bustier and now she’s added a skirt and shitty thigh high metal boots.  UGH.  Batman looks ridiculous too.  Also, there is just way too much shit going on here.  What a mess.  See above re: Grampa’s skills!

FAIREST 3.  I’m conflicted on this one.  I mean, it’s obviously beautiful and I love the integration of the title into the image – so creative.  I’m also a huge fan of monochromatic and a lot of white…so this is like win, win, win.

But the boobs.  Oh my god the boobs.  Is that really necessary?  I mean they look like a giant white ass planted on her chest.  It doesn’t help that I tend to think of The Snow Queen as being elegant, long-limbed, fine boned, and small chested rather than looking like a very pretty stripper that just got off her shift…but still.  Even if that’s not your idea of what she should like too, this seems excessive.

THE FURY OF FIRESTORM: THE NUCLEAR MEN 9.  Gods, so too much going on here.  It’s just a mess of conflicting colors and ideas. There’s no cohesion, nowhere to rest your eye, nothing particularly interesting to land on. Ugh.  I hate it SO MUCH.

GI COMBAT 1.  I guess this should be proof that Brett Booth will never be a good artist for me.  Because this is filled with awesome dinosaurs and I still hate every inch of it.  WHY IS IT HORRIBLE WHEN DINOSAURS ARE AWESOME?!?

GREEN ARROW 9.  Wow. There is a lot of confusing fail going on here.  Let’s get the small stuff out of the way first…is GA wearing wedge heels?  Cause I’d swear he is.

More importantly, for someone that’s supposed to be such a crack shot, those arrows (from an arrow gun?) sure are going all over the goddamn place.  Also…I don’t know who he’s fighting but if I’m seeing this right, some of them are going straight though the guy and coming out the other side bloody?  Also, given the way GA is shooting/positioned, there should be at least a few of these arrows coming out the other side of this dude’s ass (as in going straight through his junk).

Lastly…with the bad guy’s positioning…why is giant metal arm behind him?

This cover makes no sense.  It makes me irrationally angry.  Extra so because I want to be buying this book now that Nocenti is writing it.  BOO!

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS 9.  What a motherfucking mess.  I can’t even tell what’s going on…except that while everyone seems to be very seriously fighting, Star Sapphire (and her fantastic ass) has an expression like she’s skipping through sunlit fields on a warm summer day.  #WTF

GREEN LANTERN 9.  Jesus Christ Comics!  A river of blood, a giant head with a crazy eye, and a pile of skulls. Yeesh.  Also, Sinestro is getting a fucking mouthful of blood. DO. NOT. WANT.

GRIFTER 9.  Oh god. Another Liefeld.  I can’t let it go this time…especially since Grifter only has one and a half legs.

So all of them can apparently fly, but they have to pretend they’re running in order to use their powers of flight, which barely lift them off of a weird ground/hill thing that makes little sense.

They live in a world of explosions.

Where everything is always exploding at all times.

Grifter’s dude pal has a head the size of one of his smaller arm muscles and he apparently carries a giant police baton.  Grifter’s lady pal is run-flying in a position that looks like someone has jammed a steel rod up her ass all the way into her neck.  She has opted to wear – instead of her companions more practical CLOTHES – an army green strapless swimsuit, and the most bizarre army green “bolo-almost-jacket” I’ve ever seen.  She has paired this with small gloves and thigh high green spandex boots.  But don’t worry, those aren’t her legs…they can’t be since they don’t attach to her in any realistically human way.

Yeah…

Fuck you comics.

HELLBLAZER 291.  This is cool.  Great contrasting colors, beautiful illustration work, and nice texture and depth.  It’s also creepy as all goddamn get out.

I VAMPIRE 9.  Ah! So CLOSE!  The colors on this are wonderful, the graphic images at the bottom – flames and hands – are wonderful.  There’s fantastic texture to this, and the title integration is beautiful and brilliant.

But that “BITE PREY LOVE” is both eye-rollingly cliche and also badly integrated into the image.  SO CLOSE.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 9.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I mean…wait…I don’t read this book…but doesn’t this look like someone happened to have this photo of The Justice League in action against tentacle monsters…and then had it made into one of those like…blurb books…with the wraparound image cover…and…and….I can’t even finish…it’s just too ridiculous.

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK 9.  Jesus Christ.  I’ll be having nightmares about that spider thing for a week.  Thanks comics.  Great Sook cover though, as usual.  Nice to see Black Orchid in the mix!

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 9.  This should just read “THIS BOOK STARS OMAC’S SILLY ASS MOHAWK”.  Also, why is there a tiny bit of pink just below Guy’s crotch. Very weird.

LEGION LOST 9.  This is disappointing.  Because I really like some of the figure work, and even faces/expressions, but it’s just way too damn busy.  It’s hard to tell what’s going on.  I mean, I think the characters are strung up on crosses…which should be powerful image, but it’s totally lost in the muck.  Sad.

LEGION OF SUPERHEROES 9.  There are some serious anatomy problems here…and that…is all I’m going to say.

NEW DEADWARDIANS 3.

Things I like on this cover: The ladies looking tough, the sexy but also not really sexy outfits, the size variations in the ladies, the color palette.

Things I don’t like: The fact that ALL the ladies are making the same exact face, which is just weird.

NIGHT FORCE 3.

CHRIST ON A FUCKING BIKE COMICS!  If gouging my eyes out with spoons would make me unsee this, I’d seriously consider it.

RESURRECTION MAN 9.  This is nice. I like if you’re not going to do a “real” background, to just not try to fake it either and just go with white.  Much more interesting.  The figures are all really dynamic here (especially Resurrection Man) and the cover has great movement.  I also appreciate that though the one lady on the cover has a stupid costume and looks like a supermodel, Albuquerque has picked one of the least objectifying and least “male gaze-y” poses he could.  Well done sir!

SAUCER COUNTRY 3.  And I used to like rabbits.  Now that’s over!  😦

SAVAGE HAWKMAN 9.  Oh god.  Not again.

I mean…just look at that bullshit background?!  WTF.

Hawkman also has no belly button…along with the worst, ugliest, and most impractical armor known to man.  How does that shoulder armor even work?!?!

But mostly…look at his wings.  Are you looking?  Do you see how phoned in that shit is?!?  Jesus.

SCALPED 59.  Penultimate Scalped!  Great cover.  Absolutely haunting.  The colors and textures, the composition and negative space.  Wonderful.

SMALLVILLE SEASON 11.  I’m glad this comic exists because I think Bryan Q. Miller is a good writer and should get to write comics if that’s what he wants to do, but I think this cover is a real misfire.  It looks and feels nothing like the television show.  What Dark Horse and IDW do and have done with Buffy, Angel, Spike, and now Angel and Faith and all the others is much smarter and is more likely to draw in television viewers.  I can’t see any appeal here for television viewers.  It’s also just not a great cover regardless of that fact.  Huge miss guys.

STORMWATCH 9.  Remember way back in the A’s when I was talking about Aquaman and I was all “this pretty much sums up everything I hate about comics”?  Yeah.  DITTO.

SUICIDE SQUAD 9.  I’m not reading this book, so I don’t know who the redhead is, but it irritates the shit out of me that all the dudes get to look like protective tough badasses here, and the lone lady looks like some surprised victim from a teenage slasher movie.  HATE.

SUPERBOY 9.  I know there’s a lot of stupid going on here…but just take a moment to absorb the stupid of her costume.  So she has wings, and long hair (which I’m not EVEN going to get into how little sense THAT makes) and she has a high collar but then the sensitive boob and stomach area is all cut out to make sure it’s available for viewing (and other things).  Then she’s got flaps of fabric hanging down in her front and back (you know, so her legs can get caught in it) and she’s got some kind of non-sharp spikes on her boots.  Oh, and FRINGE.  Don’t forget the ridiculous, ugly ass, totally pointless FRINGE on her gloves/sleeves.

Yes, this is COSTUME DESIGN.  Good work guys.  /sarcasm.

SUPERGIRL 9.  Very nice graphic work.  Really draws in the eye.  Great negative space created.  And the design on what’s her name…the villain whose name I’m too drunk to remember…her design is fantastic.

SUPERMAN 9.  Oh good.  Superman is fighting Lazy Cliche Girl.  I MEAN REALLY COMICS?!?!  This kind of shit just shows how painfully uncool you are.  Does someone somewhere think they’re doing a clever Girl With The Dragon Tattoo thing?  Cause you’re not.  Instead you’re taking a bunch of stereotypes and false ideas and bad cliches and just throwing them in a blender.  THIS SUCKS.

SWAMP THING 9.  Super disturbing, super cool.

TEEN TITANS 9.  There’s definitely not enough going on in this image.  /sarcasm.

Hey, at least he took it easy on all the lines…

TEEN TITANS ANNUAL 1.  Oh. He was just saving all those lines so he’d have extra for this cover.  Mission accomplished!

What a clusterfuck.

THE RAVAGERS 1.  Hmm. Another one I’m mixed on.

On the one hand, it’s nice to see a buff lady that actually looks buff.

On the other hand, her body looks very weirdly disproportionate (is this Fairchild?)…I mean that arm doesn’t even look like it belongs to her.  Also, it’s fucking annoying that she’s in basically her underwear.  I can buy that there’s an in-story reason for it…maybe it even makes sense…but that doesn’t mean you HAVE to show it that way on the cover.

And it doesn’t help that the woman just behind her, while fully clothed, is pretty unzipped.

At least the dude behind her looks like his shirt got shredded…I guess?

THE SHADE 8.  Very moody colors and great graphic shapes, use of darks and lights, composition.  All very nice.

VOODOO 9.  Hmmm.  There’s way too much going on here, and it’s very confusing, but I do like how Voodoo looks.  It’s the most strong and active and least objectified she’s been since the beginning of the book…all good things.  Her proportions are also much more reasonable.  So…partial win?

WONDER WOMAN 9.  I know some people were bitching about the bondage on this, but it doesn’t bother me.  I’m sure it relates to the story, and Chiang has handled it in the least objectifying, least exploitative way possible and as a result it seems really reasonable to me.  The colors are fantastic.  My only problem is I really don’t like the character design for Hades aka Wax Head…I’m having trouble taking it seriously.

WORLDS FINEST 1.  I mean…I’m so glad the boob hole is gone (and the belly hole)…these are huge wins.  But did the costume that replaces Power Girl’s boob hole have to be so damn ugly?  It’s just really uninspired (or at least this representation of it is).  It almost feels like they deliberately didn’t hit it out of the park so that they could later return to the boob hole and when people complain again they can be all “you guys are never happy!” (which is of course true).  She’s also gotten some much more reasonable proportions – at least here – we’ll see if it holds.  The biggest problem though is that Power Girl has the ugliest hair a character has ever had (which is saying a lot) and she looks like a 45 year old Soccer Mom.  NOT. GOOD.