You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘cover solicits in three sentences or less’ tag.

Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC October Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Eh. They are what they are. I tried hard and got a few jokes in there…but I feel like they’re a bit underwhelming this month. Sorry, kids!

Oh, and in a bit of shameless self promotion (and GUILT!) I ask that if you’ve been enjoying these posts over the years that you to check out my Kickstarter for my book THE GIRL WHO WOULD BE KING and donate if you can and think it looks worthwhile. See? GUILT!

ACTION COMICS 13.

“Bwahaha! I have your little belt…or something…watchu gonna do about it?!”

Superman: “Whuuuuhuhdar?”

ALL STAR WESTERN 13.  Does anyone else find it hilarious that this is what Hex is REALLY afraid of? I mean, yes, that clown is fucking terrifying…but I’m not Jonah Hex…I mean…it doesn’t even have a fucking weapon…oh wait, it has a GIANT FUCKING KNIFE (and an arm that looks like it might be on backwards?)

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full Marvel September Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Honestly…credit to Marvel for very little in the “offensive” category, but these were pretty boring. I mean…they were light years better than DC’s offerings, but still.

I’m sorry, kids. I brought it hard last time, but there just wasn’t much here this month. Onto the next!

AGE OF APOCALYPSE 7. I really like the light here…but it could be pushed even further I think.

ASTONISHING X-MEN 54. Well this is 100 kinds of awesome. Karma gets so little love…and now she gets Phil Noto love! Which, let’s face it, is the best kind of love.

AVENGERS ACADEMY 36. Jesus H. These horrifying Avengers Academy covers have been AWESOME. This is another one from Guiseppe…we’re headed toward a complete series and all of them are badass.

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC September Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

So I’ve been dreading this round forever (or since I started seeing these covers roll out)…as a result I drank WAY TOO MUCH, WAY TOO EARLY and well…things got interesting.

I’d also like post a rare upfront caveat/apology thing. With a few exceptions (and those dudes know who they are) I blame very few of the artists for this months DC solicits. These shit covers were totally beyond their control. It’s an ugly, boring concept (that they did a slightly better version of not so long ago) and it’s almost impossible to turn out a good cover under these limitations.

So yeah…with that said…ENJOY.

Oh yeah, these were boring as fuck. I tried my best, people but there was only so much that could be done.

ACTION COMICS 0.  So…these crappy covers begin. Here’s what I’ll say…this illustration is actually GORGEOUS. All caps gorgeous. However, I stand by what I said a year (or whatever) ago about that t-shirt/jeans/baby cape looking ridiculous and on this super realistic illustration it looks even more ridiculous.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE 31. As always these are so smart about color and composition. Love.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE LORD OF VAMPIRES 4. Wonderful colors and textures. I’m not sure if the “shadow” is supposed to be his shadow or a monster or…both? So this doesn’t quite hit it out of the park, but it’s really beautiful.

ANIMAL MAN 0.  This is unfortunate. Those wings really get lost in the white-ish background. Also, I’m not sure with that wingspan how he made it through that small hole…? Also, I bet this is the first of a whole fucking bunch that just show a character flying at us with that busted background. SADFACE.

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full Marvel August Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

So, again, I have to admit that these were mostly good. Much more good than bad. That said, I was REALLY drunk (i.e. much more drunk than usual) when I did these…so I found plenty of things to pick at. Hopefully at least a few are funny, rather than just raves. Enjoy!

ASTONISHING X-MEN 43. And we’re off and running right out of the gate! Great idea, great execution. Super phallic, but worth it! Also, don’t forget the bomb behind him, which I almost missed the first time. Cool shit.

AVENGERS ACADEMY 34. Another home run. I’m not really familiar with this artist (Camuncoli) but this is epically cool.  Love the colors and the emotion…the effect he creates with the colors between her costume and power…really good stuff. Also, this cover does exactly what every cover is SUPPOSED to do – makes me want to find out what the interior story is.

AVENGERS ACADEMY 35. WOW. Again, another Camucoli…I’m going to have to watch out for this guy. This is gorgeous and haunting and the tiger shape on the brick wall is just the icing on the cake.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE 6. See now, I want to give this cover credit for zipping up Black Widow (although it kind of looks nothing like her) but look at the green chick…what the fuck is up with that costume…I mean that shit gives costumes like Starfire and Star Sapphire a run for their money. Ridiculous.

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC August Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

So a combination of not eating dinner and a bizarre amount of energy and finally not feeling sick (after weeks of a bizarre sore throat/sinus thing) I’m feeling very punchy (and drunk) tonight. The result is a particularly aggressive round of Drunk Cover Solicits…ENJOY BITCHES.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE 30. Wonderful use of spot color.

AQUAMAN 12. Man, if I never have to see another “character reflected in sword/helmet/miscellaneous shiny object” it will still be too soon.

BEFORE WATCHMEN: OZMANDIAS 2.  Well, I’m still not buying these but I love Jae Lee and this is delightfully freaky. Also, take notice artists, there seems to be a reason that this lady is dressed this way (and with those badass heels)…it’s all context my friends…CONTEXT IS KING BITCHES.

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full Marvel July Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Avengers vs. X-Men shit is burning me out man. I can’t believe we still have another month (plus?) to go of this shit. That said, some pretty great covers in here and not a whole lot to snark at (especially on the objectification front)…Marvel has definitely cleaned up their cover game in the last year. I’m going to go ahead and take credit. 😉

AVENGERS ACADEMY 13. Bitch looks good on a throne. Isn’t it nice when things come together?

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE 5. Marvel continuity is confusing me. Cause Black Widow is cozied up with two dudes this month (oh wait, that’s next month). And judging by that clipart explosion behind them…it’s a hell of a kiss. Also…I thought Hawkeye was with Spider-Woman…? So confusing.

AVENGING SPIDER-MAN 9. I like the simplicity of this and the sassiness…but something about it makes them looks like giants…which is freaking me out.

AVENGERS VS X-MEN 7. So I guess what we’re saying here is that Cyclops is the worst shot ever?

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC July Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

I don’t know if I’m just getting bored with things this month, or what but they’re very short and sweet tonight. Hopefully a few of them are also funny.  Look for Marvel to go up in a few hours!

ACTION COMICS 11.  Hey, Didyouguysknow Superman was the new Phoenix? Yeah, me neither.

ANIMAL MAN 11. Sometimes I feel like Animal Man’s sole goal is to give me nightmares. Mission accomplished dudes.

BATMAN BEYOND UNLIMITED 6.  BARDA!!!! WOO! Also, Barda’s Boobs. woo?

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full Marvel June Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

So I had to break the solicits up into two nights since I started so late on Friday…thus two nights of drunkenness…woo. Of course I can’t afford a bottle of Veuve every night (do you know who I am?!) so we’ll have to go with Vodka & water with lime…which are also delicious.

Have I mentioned how much I hate the idea of superheroes fighting superheroes? I mean I know we’re WAY out of ideas in the comics world, but it just annoys the crap out of me. I hate events anyway, but I’m extra sick of this event before it’s even begun.* 😦

That said, I was thinking of running an X-Men versus Avengers poll…just for fun. Don’t know if I have the time or interest beyond the initial push though…we’ll see.

*Update – these just weren’t very funny. Despite the vodka, this is mostly me raving about cool shit…lower your expectations in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

AVENGERS VS X-MEN 2. Sigh. I’m already tired. And this one I’m pretty sure is from last month…off to a great start!

FURY MAX 2. Another from May, not June, but so cool that I had to post it. Nicely graphic, and the images working as a dress is very badass. I’m into it. On third look the way the bayonets (or whatever) are pointed toward her lady bits is not ideal. But I’m going to pretend it’s an accident and happily go on my way!

ULTIMATES 10. Also from May. This is gorgeous, but if there is a soldier or superhero that would pose like that while climbing up (or down) some rocks I will eat my goddamn shoe.

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC June Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Oh tonight, I welcome you oh Veuve! Tonight some internet douchebags think I don’t know what Feminism is, think the title “3 Chicks Review Comics” is offensive (WTF?! It’s just a descriptor?!) and better yet, think Laura Hudson, Sue, and I are the same person…which as I said on twitter would make me UNMOTHERFUCKINGSTOPPABLE, so I kind of wish it was true. Alas, I am only little ole me. Ah internet, you so silly!

So once I get the drink in me I may be feeling particularly mean and vengeful…also it’s already ready 2am and I’m just writing the intro, so let’s BRING IT ON MOTHERFUCKERS!

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

ALL STAR WESTERN 10.  These covers have been pretty goddamn good.  This is probably my second or third favorite among a really great selection of covers. The illustration work, the desaturated colors but also great lights and darks, the interesting perspective…all great!

AMERICAN VAMPIRE 28. Wonderful colors, dramatic darks and lights. And I love the abstraction in the background with the lights and cameras.  Feels very Sienkiewicz to me.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE: LORD OF NIGHTMARES 1. I don’t usually like these kind of floating montage covers, but this has a nice almost monochromatic red wash that I like and the style of the lead female is unusual and a nice change.

ANIMAL MAN 10. SWEET BABY JESUS*…no wonder Foreman felt like he needed to leave if he was going to be drawing seas of skulls, blood red skies, and fucked up naked angel monsters.

*I’ve been saying this (or thinking it) a lot lately thanks to reading “Mark Watches” obsessively – if you’re a fan of Buffy and things that are awesome, you should drop everything you’re doing and head over there now!

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC May Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

So this is the month of owl goodness…or something. I never thought I could be sick of owls. But here we are.  I’m feeling kind of mean tonight…so…yeah, you’ve been warned!

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

ACTION COMICS 9.  I was actually pretty excited by this image initially…cause it totally looks like an inspiring black Superman, right?  But reading the solicit I think this is a villain called SuperDoom.  Boo.  Huge disappointment.  According to commenter Brendan T., this is indeed an alternate reality black Superman…in which case I say SWEET.

ALL-STAR WESTERN 9.  I still like the style of these covers and the colors are wonderful…but the way the owl dudette (dude?) is holding those huge knives is totally suspect.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE 27.  The colors on this are just lovely.  Is this watercolor?  It kind of looks like watercolor…but kind of not.  The almost textures created are nice too.

ANIMAL MAN 9.  Animal Man continues to pile on the disturbing shit.  I mean…they’re on a raft of bones. BONES!  In a river of blood. BLOOD! I like it.

AQUAMAN 9.  I’m not sure I can fully explain why…but this comic cover kind of sums up everything I hate about comics really nicely.

Batgirl 9.  Let’s start with the good…this is the best Barbara/Batgirl has looked on a Syaf cover. Also, the tilted composition is nice and has good energy.

Now for the bad…has that Court of Owls character been crossbred with a spider…because JESUS H. CHRIST.   That anatomy and positioning is just so damn disturbing.

Also, I haven’t been reading Batgirl, so maybe there’s a good reason for it, but it kind of irritates me that the female superhero (Batgirl) has to fight the female Court of Owls character.  boo.

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC April Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Not so much the funny this month…I don’t know if that’s my fault or the covers not giving me much to work with.  Either way…lower your expectations a bit!

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

ALL-STAR WESTERN 8.  Hmm. Still like the illustration style, but this is much less effective than last month’s which kind of blew me away.  Still love the color palette though. Although…the more I look at this…the more disturbing it is…I mean we’re looking directly at her crotch…and the way his head is…um…yeah.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE 26. This is stunning.  Love the loose line work – it has a great energy, but the colors are fucking fantastic.

ANIMAL MAN 8.  I kind of suspect this isn’t the final cover, that it’s unfinished.  But I wish this was the finished version.  I think it’s kinda badass.

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full Marvel March Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

So again, these are a bit on the late side but here they are…fresh for the new year in all their non-glory.  The thing is…I gotta be honest…Marvel has cleaned up their game considerably.  And I know you want to be sad about it, cause let’s face it, making fun of shit is fun.  But seriously, there’s not A LOT to make fun of lately. The difference in Marvel’s covers now, from a year ago…it’s pretty remarkable.  They are going on five or six months now of having covers so non-offensive that it’s pretty tough to give them a hard time.  So #1 – My hat is officially off to them and #2 – how can I take credit for this change?

I still make plenty of fun of the covers below…but there are only 26 covers to DC’s 52, and that’s straight up because there’s just not as much to say on the whole.  And I appreciate the hell out of that change, but I also have to admit that on the whole the covers are more boring too.  Would I rather have offensive than boring?  Well, for Drunk Solicits, yes, the answer is yes, for life?  No, no, I’d rather have just about anything than offensive crap in comics.  But still…it’s very interesting this development in covers over the last few months.

AGE OF APOCALYPSE #1.  All the above said, let’s start with something slightly offensive.  But not really. I mean this is such a cartoonish and exaggerated drawing style it’s hard to take it TOO seriously.  It doesn’t have the same effect of looking at something super realistic.  That said, Jean is wearing some Starfire level shit there and it’s just fucking ridiculous.  C’mon comics, don’t be a douchebag.

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 681.  Is Johnny wearing his Future Foundation pajamas for this mission?  He looks like an idiot.

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC March Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

So these are a bit on the late side (sorry folks, sickness, travel, and variety of other non-drunk obligations precluded getting drunk and writing these) but here they are…fresh for the new year.  Ring in 2012 right with some scathing drunk cover solicits.

And, to get sappy for a moment, thanks to all of you who read…those of you who comment and retweet and those who don’t.  I know some of you read and can’t really comment (comics is a small little world and making fun of big two covers can be dangerous) but I appreciate the support and feedback nonetheless!

Here’s to another great year of many wonderful things…including DRUNK COVER SOLICITS!  Woo!

ACTION COMICS 7.  What the fuck is up with that Superman face?!  He looks like a sad malnourished Williamsburg hipster.

ALL STAR WESTERN 7.  Hmm. I’m regretting giving up on All Star Western so soon, cause this is TONS OF FUN.  Love the illustration work, the movement, the composition, the phenomenal color palette.  The background especially is just gorgeous with the lanterns and architectural elements – are they in a gladiator ring on an old Ferry boat?  Badass. Also, the gladiator chick manages to be sexy and cool, and thanks to her posing she’s not SUPER objectified.  Great cover kids!

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Here are the “rules“.

If  you’d like to see the full Marvel February Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

I have to say, there are quite literally only two suspect covers (as far as the portrayal of women are concerned) in this month’s Marvel Solicits.  I wish we had some female-led Marvel titles here and it’s frustrating that they keep getting canceled, but from a solicits only point of view, Marvel has really corrected some bad behavior…applause is DUE.

AVENGING SPIDER-MAN 4.  You guys may have heard of this team up, it’s Spider-Man and his partner “No-eye”.  Cousin to Hawkeye, No-eye is a master marksman with no eyes…just some shadow-y hollows where his eyes used to be.  Amazing he’s so good with that bow and arrow, yeah?

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 679.1  I really like this Kaare Andrews John Tyler Christopher cover*, but not the little weird under arm webbing…totally ruins it for me.  😦

*ah the typos and headaches of doing “drunk posts”.

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 679.  This is lovely.  The soft muted colors, the slight texture, the movement and the composition.  Really beautiful stuff from Mike Delmundo

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Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC February Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

And this week, we have a very special feature and a very special (also drunk) co-host!  Sue from DC Women Kicking Ass is co-drunk bashing the solicits with me this month.

I am, as per usual, drinking a bottle of Veuve (to start)…Sue, what’s your poison?  Smirnoff Raspberry & Lime cooler, which she says is “pretty delicious”.

ACTION COMICS 6.

SUE: Honestly, that is one of the ugliest covers I’ve ever seen.

KELLY: I appreciate that it’s nice and “equal opportunity” with all the tentacle covers chicks have been subjected to over the years…

SUE:  What’s it supposed to be…is it a bug.

KELLY: Oh, well I don’t know what it’s ACTUALLY supposed to be, I just know it looks naughty.

SUE:  It DOES look like he’s about to get embraced by 7 penises…but why do they have hair on them?

KELLY: I don’t know what the little hairy bits are about

SUE:  This is very dirty.

KELLY:  Agreed.

SUE:  This is VERY dirty…the more I look at it.

KELLY: Yes, it’s extremely suggestive…which I’m not really a fan of, except I appreciate the equal opportunity-ness of it.

ALL STAR WESTERN 6.

KELLY:  I think this is kinda cool, nice color choices.

SUE:  Yeah, the colors are nice.

KELLY:  The darks and lights are good, the composition is nice, and it’s scary.

SUE:  Yeah, it’s suitably horror but not gross.  I like the contrast.  The use of the yellow tones are nice and kind of tones down the grossness.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE 24.

KELLY: Love the illustration, but I find it really creepy the more I look at it…which is probably the point.

SUE:  Well I think the girl looks a bit young.  When I first saw it, I found it very Norman Rockwell like, like the 50’s magazine ads.  Creepy and nostalgic at the same time.  It definitely creates a very visceral response.

KELLY:  It creeps me out, but I feel like that means it’s doing its job.

SUE:  Definitely – it feels very American and evokes that great 50’s nostalgia but with this creepy twist of horror.

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Here are the “rules“.

If  you’d like to see the full Marvel January Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

So what does Marvel have in store for us to kick off 2012?  Well for one thing, this marks month three of Marvel doing a really good job on the objectification of women front with their covers.  I’m hesitant to call three months “real change” but it’s really encouraging and I for one totally appreciate it – thanks Marvel!  There’s still some funny stuff in here, but very little of it is offensive.  Go Marvel!

ALPHA FLIGHT 8.  This is unbelievably stiff.  Especially Aurora.  And what is up with Sasquatch in the background?  Is he just stuffed?  WTF.

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 677.  I’m not really a fan of Ramos but this is maybe the worst I’ve ever seen.  The perspective is so fucked that when you look at certain parts they DO appear to be standing on the ground.  When you look at others they seem to be magically stuck to the wall.  And that ignores the fact that The Black Cat has a disappearing nose, very strange cleavage, very VERY strange shoulders (where is her right one?), and the weirdest “neck mask” I’ve ever seen.  Are neck masks a thing now?

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Here are the “rules“.

If  you’d like to see the full DC December Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

So, how does the year 2012 start out for DC Comics…let’s see!

ACTION COMICS 5.  And so here we learn that the phallic symbolism was there from the very beginning.  Here it comes!

ALL-STAR WESTERN 5.  Nice lights and darks here and those bats are completely awesome.

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Here are the “rules“.

If  you’d like to see the full DC December Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

So Marvel has stubbornly refused to release their solicits – CONSPIRACY! – which means I get to do this all over again next week.  The good news is that “this” means getting drunk and looking at comics and trying to be funny…so y’know, could be worse.  The bad news is that Marvel is costing me money!!!  More good news?  Marvel Comics is afraid of me (not really).

Hmmm. So when I was on letter E of this post…and quite drunk…I lost the entire thing.  Why is there ANY combination of laptop buttons that can make that happen!?  UNACCEPTABLE.  The treat (or horror) for you guys is that will be the drunkest drunk solicits ever since I have to start over…who knows what that will mean!?

ETA: DC Solicits this month were pretty reasonable, especially on the “objectification of women” front.  If this hadn’t been such a shit week on that front otherwise <cough> Catwoman and Red Hood & The Outlaws <cough> I’d almost have hope!

ACTION COMICS 4.  Hey Robot…you should kick is tiny girly* t-shirt cape wearing ass.  Yeah, I know…can you believe he’s wearing a “t-shirt cape”…crazy, right?

*I know I shouldn’t use girly as derogatory but I couldn’t think of another word that worked.  Suggestions?  Also, if I have learned anything from comedians, it’s that sometimes you have to be offensive.  #heregoesnothing

BATMAN & ROBIN 4.  Is there any way to see this that isn’t Damian being birthed out of a goddamn Batman Vagina?  Cause I cannot unsee this shit…off to wash my eyes out with bleach.

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Here are the “rules“.

If  you’d like to see the full Marvel November Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

Here’s the thing about the Marvel solicits this month…they’re not very funny.  And that is actually a great thing…though it makes for a lousy Drunk Cover Solicits.  I found VERY LITTLE in the way of inappropriate costume choices (and similar) this month.  I mean…I’m not delusional enough to think that Marvel is actually listening to little old me, but I want to say THANK YOU just the same.  Yes, Marvel, you have made this feature far less funny…but if that is the price to pay for less hyper-sexualization in your female characters then I am happy to pay it.

Head on in for some really great covers, and a couple funny ones.  Good times!


AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 674.  Nice shadow work.

ANITA BLAKE CIRCUS OF THE DAMNED: THE SCOUNDREL 4.  Bwahahahahahahaha!

ANNIHILATORS: EARTHFALL 3.  I think I know why this kid went mad and killed all these people…it’s cause he’s purple…and wearing ALL purple. That would be enough to drive anyone mad.

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Here are the “rules“.

And if you’d like to see the full November 2011 DC solicits head over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS now with MOAR potential hurricane-y goodness!

This, and all Drunk Cover Solicits are sponsored by VEUVE.  Tonight some Non-pareils from Fairway have also made an appearance and depending on how long this shit takes, whatever vodka is in the freezer will help us along as well.

Also, I’m too tired to use bold for the titles…accept it.

Oh, and I’m posting without proofing and while drunk, so if you find typos…learn to enjoy them!

ACTION COMICS 3.  The look on Superman’s face is…not good.  He looks like a fool.  Also, am I really supposed to believe that his costume is a pair of jeans, and t-shirt with a logo that has a cape SEWN into it?  HORRIBLE.


ANIMAL MAN 3. Hmm.  That, by definition, is most certainly an “animal man”.

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THE GIRL WHO WOULD BE KING

THE GIRL WHO WOULD BE KING

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